Once? Twice? Thrice a week? What’s the metric average between lovers? No, says Cape Town intimacy coach Nu Davidson, there is no magical number and sex is about the quality and not the quantity. Couples should have sex as often as they feel like.
Pretty Ngwenya (30) from Maboneng in Johannesburg agrees and says the question of how much sex is subjective and varies from couple to couple. In her long-distance relationship of four years, Ngwenya and her bae have sex at least one weekend a month. “I prefer spontaneous sex than planned, it takes the cup,” she says.
How much hanky panky is Mzansi having?
Sixty* (50) from the Free State has been married for four years, and says his wife works out of town and they only have sex when she’s around. “What I learnt from my personal experience is that sex must be enjoyed, that women go through a lot and are not always available as men to engage in sex,” he says.
Meanwhile, Mr K* (29), from the South of Johannesburg says he and his girlfriend get it on every weekend because weekdays are just too busy. “My partner enjoys talking about sex a lot and what we’re going to do to each other next time we meet. When we talk about it, we discuss various things like going down on each other. She knows her body best and she would tell me how I should touch her and what turns her on and off,” he says.
There is no number of days a week you can fly your freak flag, says Mash* (26) from Ennerdale in Johannesburg. Spontaneity keeps the passion alive in her seven-year long-distance relationship. Sex is more than an act, she believes.
“A sexual connection means emotional connection to me and my partner. It’s a feeling that is beyond the word sex, we have surpassed that. It means to love one another’s differences in terms of body image, to be comfortable with one another.”
Mash*
How are you keeping it spicy?
A little foreplay goes a long way, Mash tells Health For Mzansi. “It creates a mood, to your body and mind, it also creates other ways of being aroused than the usual.”
Ngwenya adds that sex is not dirty and should always be fun and exciting. When it comes to experiencing the best horizontal tango of your life, honesty is key, she believes.
“You get to know what sets your partner’s soul on fire. It can be anything from lingerie, my partner is a sucker for good quality lace, sex toys and playing dress-up.”
Pretty Ngwenya, Health For Mzansi reader
“Because of distance we have conversations of new positions we would like to try and toys we would like to make part of the family. The spark is consistent because we are constantly longing and fantasising about the time we meet again,” she says.
Sixty says, “Sex can be had at any time of the day, through eye contact, holding hands, stroking and other menial task such as washing dishes together and helping with house chores. The actual foreplay crowns the day’s kissing, hugging and affirmations. A quickie is an absolute necessity when it is sold as a way in which one shows emotional connection and thoroughly enjoys sex with their partner.”
Get connected on a deeper level
A healthy sexual relationship would mean both partners experience pleasure and satisfaction within their intimacy, says Davidson. “Sex is not just penetration; sex is a spectrum of activities that allow us to experience and explore pleasure. Ensuring your partner is aroused and giving consent – which is a yes, if there is not a yes, then it’s a no – that is foreplay if you ask me.”
Davidson is an intimacy coach who helps couples explore what intimacy means to them and how they can identify and ask for more of what they are seeking within their relationship.
A little quickie also goes a long way. “Quickies are great if that is what you’re looking for at that moment. I recommend them if that is what the couple are seeking. If you enjoy it, do it, consensually of course, consent first ALWAYS,” she adds.
Her advice to couples who have been together for long and want to re-ignite their sex life is for them to firstly communicate and check with each other on what they both want from their sex life. “Then change it up, no one wants to ‘eat’ the same meal every day for the rest of their lives, so be sure to change it up, try it in new positions, new places, new paces.
“Maybe even make a sex bucket list, put it in a jar and then you can have some inspiration to draw on to change it up on your date nights. For new couples as well, communicate, don’t stop the conversation, get curious on what your partner is seeking and how best you can connect with them. Speak their love language so they can speak yours,” says Davidson.
*Not their real names
