Finding it hard to come to grips with the murder of AKA and celebrity chef Tebello “Tibz” Motsoane? Your grief is valid, says Patrick Wanis, a human behaviour and relationship expert and therapist.
It has been a tough week for Mzansi as the country was shocked by the recent murders of rapper Kiernan “AKA” Forbes and culinary heavyweight, chef Tebello Tibz Motsoane.
Natasha Bosman from Kimberley tells Health For Mzansi that she is still coming to grips with the death of AKA. His music always made her feel confident and seen.
“He has always inspired me to be a hustler,” she says. “He has always been very inspirational for me and shown that if you just put in the work, you can do anything in the world.”
Refilwe Mekoa from Bloemfontein says, “Whenever I felt down, gloomy or even insecure and I really want to boost my ego, feel energised, I would listen to him. His music made me feel good and he was his own biggest fan.”
AKA and Tibz were shot and killed in Durban last Friday night.
Here is why you are experiencing grief
It is normal to feel emotional after the death of someone famous. Even if you did not know them personally, you might go through a period of sadness and grief or feel shocked or angered at their loss.
In an article with the Centre for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders, Wanis explains that parasocial interaction is a term that psychologists have coined to describe the feeling that comes from being attached to celebrities.
Wanis explains that because of today’s prevalent social media platforms, we know the most intimate details of a person’s life. “We can view pictures of them whenever we want to and can read their own thoughts in their online posts,” he says.
Sometimes we may subconsciously compare or think of a loved one who may have passed in a similar way, which reminds us of the public figure who died. Especially when the death is unfortunately plastered all over social media
“This 24/7 accessibility makes us feel like we have a personal relationship with them. In other words, we identify with them, so we feel a bond and we grieve when they pass away.”
Understanding grief
Grief appears in many ways, and forms and can be very different for each person. For some, it can even be “easier” to grieve a person they don’t know, than someone they were close to. Regardless of this, grief is personal and there should be no judgment, says bereavement expert Dr Nelia Drenth.
“Grief is already complicated. It is not easy to say goodbye to someone close to you. We are not prepared for how sudden it [death] is. Everybody fears ‘it’ and you don’t know how to prepare, or even what you are preparing yourself for,” she says.
Accompanied by paralysing fear, she says the experience and aftermath of death have become complicated, changing the face of grief as we know it.
“Make good memories while you still can. Enjoy each other. Talk about the good stuff in life, enjoy time so that when one has died and the other is left behind, you can at least cherish the memories.”
Symptoms of grief include:
- Shock, denial and disbelief;
- Panic and confusion;
- Feeling overwhelmed;
- Difficulty concentrating or remembering things;
- Anger and hostility;
- Withdrawing from others; and
- Changes in appetite or sleep patterns.
Coming to grips
Western Cape nurse Dina Langley says that the grief stages are used to understand the process of grieving. They include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
“It is common for those who are grieving to experience these emotional reactions,” says Langley.
Needing help or assistance does not make you weak. While grief is a normal experience, it can cause great distress and affect every part of your life.
There are other ways that you can cope with grief. Langley shares the following steps to cope with grief:
- Talking to someone: Try to stay connected to those around you. Share how you’re feeling.
- Exercising: Move your body, get outside.
- Look after yourself: Relaxation exercise can help if you are struggling to sleep.
- Seek help: Do not hesitate to ask for help if you think you need it. Visit your clinic.
- Do not use drugs or alcohol: Make healthy choices to protect yourself in the long run.
- Be kind to yourself: Grieving is not an easy process. Give yourself time to feel better and seek professional support if you feel overwhelmed.
ALSO READ: Getting through grief after losing a loved one
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