Bullying is like this dark cloud that hangs over school life, making kids feel anxious, alone, and sometimes even downright scared. And it’s not just a one-time thing; it’s like this never-ending battle that can mess with a kid’s head long after the final bell rings. Finding healing and living a positive life after bullying, is possible.
‘They destroyed my self-confidence’
Mbali Tom from Cofimvaba, Eastern Cape tells Health for Mzansi about the torment she endured during her school years due to visible scars from a car accident at the age of three.
Bullies implied that she might never secure a job, she says, as authorities would suspect her involvement in criminal activities.
“Being told every day that I wouldn’t even be hired as an official because of my scars was one of the nightmares,” Tom recalls.
“Like if they see a criminal as per their portrait, then that’s what they see and I cannot change that. But I can change the way I see myself and my performance at school.”
Mbali Tom
“This shattered my heart to the point where I couldn’t even focus on school,” she explains, recounting difficulties with reading and writing isiXhosa in grade one.”
The abuse made it even harder for her to feel normal and live a regular life, adding to her pain.
“However, at some point, it had a positive impact,” she reflects, finding solace in affirmations.
Tom shares that she focused on her studies, resulting in good grades in school. As a result, the bullies began to treat her with respect. She points out that the experience of being bullied stays with you, leaving a lasting bitterness in your life even after it’s over.
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Healing from childhood trauma
“I was a victim of bullying,” says Nomasoja Mahem from Carletonville, Gauteng, who grew up in Matatiele in the Eastern Cape. She recounts enduring the worst nightmare from the age of nine to fourteen, bullied for petty things like how her forehead looks.
“The things said about me during those years made me negatively view myself.”
At fourteen, she decided she had had enough and devised a strategy to win them over.
“My best strategy was to make friends with my bullies and try to help them with their schoolwork so that I could gain ‘their love’.”
Even in her twenties, memories of those years come flooding back, giving her flashbacks, she adds.
“The person I am now, I am building myself every day. I am still building my self-esteem and confidence, trying to heal from my childhood trauma.”
Nomasoja Mahem
Mahem says, “Bullying affected me badly, in such a way I have a little bit of anxiety and anger issues. I am insecure and sometimes I lack self-esteem. I still hate everyone who once bullied me, which is not right.”
She finds solace in physical exercise; since joining the gym, she feels better about her body, though mentally she still struggles at times.
Support structure
Nozuko Nqana, a registered educational psychologist from KwaZulu-Natal, explains that, according to psychology, a person’s personality is fully formed between the ages of 21 and 25, depending on their maturity.
She stresses the importance of understanding how personality is shaped by the environment and the people one is surrounded by.
“A child that has a strong attachment. A child that was mirrored back their emotions. Meaning, a child whose emotions were metabolised and properly trained on how to regulate their emotions will have a better character or manner of approach.”
Educational psychologist Nozuko Nqana
Therefore, when a child is bullied and lacks a support structure, they may develop a dislike for the school environment and may even fake illness to avoid attending, she explains.
“If a child struggles to compartmentalise their emotions, they may displace their anger,” explains Nqana.
Healing and moving forward
Meanwhile, Sandile Radebe, a registered educational psychologist from the University of KwaZulu-Natal, highlights that children often imitate what occurs in their homes.
Since they lack a full vocabulary, they may convey messages through actions, sometimes resulting in bullying others.
“Some bullies come from unsafe environments; some take care of themselves and their siblings,” notes Radebe.
He further adds that the anger they experience can sometimes lead to bullying behaviour.
Moving on from being bullied as a child, is possible and you can live a happy and fulfilled life as an adult.
Ways to deal with trauma from bullying, according to Verywell Family, is to acknowledge what happened in the past, prioritise your health (especially if you’re suffering from anxiety and depression due to the bullying), recognise your value and worth, and find closure and move forward.
“Both the bullies and victims require counselling to heal, and it is the responsibility of society, from home to school, to ensure we groom mentally healthy children,” says Radebe.
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