Haunted by trauma: The unseen scars of PTSD

Unseen scars, etched deep within. Past trauma’s haunting shadows torment the lives of survivors, leaving an unrelenting aftermath of pain and despair. Health For Mzansi shares the stories of three women who suffered rape and violence and fought a silent battle of post-traumatic stress (PTSD) years after the abuse had ended. They are speaking out, setting them on the path of hope and healing.

Living with unbearable pain

In 2007, in Gqeberha in the Eastern Cape, Lwandisa Patwa was raped by her brother’s friend. Patwa lived in Cape Town but was in Gqeberha for a holiday.

The incident happened on her way back home from the “groove”. She met her brother and his friend and later, her brother’s friend agreed to take her home safely. However, on the way the friend forcibly told her she was going with him, not home. Initially, she thought he was joking, but he meant it, explains Patwa.

Lwandisa Patwa admits that her past traumas played a role in contributing to the breakdown of her marriage. Photo: Supplied/Health For Mzansi

There were other people at his home, yet she says that despite her cries for help, no one came to her rescue.

Following the traumatic event, her family pursued legal action, which resulted in a prolonged and emotionally exhausting process.

She tells Health for Mzansi that the trauma caused significant damage to her life. She later got married but her marriage suffered due to her struggle to trust men.

“There were days when I didn’t want to be touched. Opening up to my ex-husband was also very challenging.”
Lwandisa Patwa

She says, “I think I contributed to my failed marriage. I felt like a broken record.”

Patwa struggled with anger issues and always felt ready to fight under any circumstances. She explains that the trauma made her want to defend herself, even in unnecessary situations.

Recently, there were rumours that the perpetrator had died, bringing Patwa some relief, only to find out later that he was still alive but in a wheelchair.

She adds, “How can we live happily ever after when our abusers are still out there, free, while we’re dying inside each day?”

Patwa acknowledges the support she received from her family, especially her father, who flew from Cape Town to Gqeberha upon hearing the terrible news. She also points out that the rape left her with internal pain, swollen fallopian tubes, and ongoing internal pains that persist even after so many years.

“This trauma left me with mental, emotional, and internal pain.”
Lwandisa Patwa

Trauma plagues a troubled child

Sarah September from Atlantis, Cape Town, recalls her life being tossed around from family to family, enduring molestation, rape, and beatings.

She says she was four years old when her mother had no place of her own and was working as a live-in domestic worker. She was placed in the care of her godmother, where things took a dark turn.

Sarah September says she was a vulnerable child whom people took advantage of. Photo: Supplied/Health For Mzansi

“I was sexually molested; I do not know for how long but this scenario happened for years,” she explains.

She recounts crying non-stop when her mother was around, desperately wanting to go with her. “I remember that I would be beaten up for crying by my mother, my godmother, and her husband.”

She became a troubled child, struggling to communicate what was troubling her, she explains.

The chain of abuse and trauma never seemed to end. Her life took her to various places in Cape Town, including Elsies River, Manenberg, Matroosfontein, Kensington, Clarke Estate, Woodstock, and other various places.

“I then started disappearing, and family would be looking for me,” September says.

These traumatic experiences drove her to seek solace in alcohol and weed, she says. She also encountered numerous abusive boyfriends, further adding to her pain.

“I realised that when I’m drunk, nobody takes advantage of me; instead, they fear me. Then I took alcohol as my coping mechanism to numb the pain.”
Sarah September

She yearned for a better relationship with her mother.

In 2002, September’s life took a turn when she embraced her faith and accepted God as her saviour. Over time, she improved at interacting with people, though she still finds it challenging to trust men.

“I have a loving, caring partner, but I still have trouble trusting men,” September admits.

Never-ending cycle of abuse

Christie van Zyl from Blouberg, Cape Town, says she suffers from feeling unloved, unheard, and imposter syndrome due to post-traumatic stress disorder.

“Even if I am being loved and heard, I struggle with allowing it and accepting it,” she confesses. “I struggle with figuring out who I really am and if the life I am building is the result of my trauma.”

Van Zyl was exposed to domestic trauma as a toddler and sexual trauma when she was sent to boarding school at the age of seven.

Christie van Zyl says she was exposed to domestic violence and sexual molestation since her toddler years. Photo: Supplied/Health For Mzansi

“I have PTSD from quite a few different scenarios. My parents were alcoholics and used to be very violent. There was domestic violence in the home,” she explains.

In boarding school, she was exposed to sexual abuse, and says she was expected to perform inappropriate sexual acts with older girls.

The chain of trauma didn’t end there. Van Zyl tells Health for Mzansi that she also endured sexual trauma from family members.

Now living with bipolar disorder, Van Zyl also has trust issues.

“I feel like people are always trying to threaten my safety and security.”
Christie van Zyl

The trauma has left her feeling disempowered; she struggles to see the good in her relationships, job, and herself, she admits.

“I’m always anticipating something bad happening. I am paranoid and scared that something is coming to take away my joy.”

Due to her experience with PTSD, Van Zyl avoids situations that involve harmful behaviours or a lack of empathy, as these can be challenging for her to handle. She finds poetry to be a valuable coping mechanism, as it enables her to express her emotions in a healthy way.

*Read part two of our story on PTSD, where experts share insights, coping mechanisims and how to find healing.