There are more factors affecting your ability to climax than you probably realise. In episode seven of Sisters Without Shame, alignment and intimacy coach Nu Davidson has some comforting words for a distressed friend who has never had an orgasm. “You are not broken if you cannot orgasm.”
An anonymous writer from Mpumalanga reached out to Sisters Without Shame over fears that there might be something wrong with her. She has never experienced an orgasm in the 19 years she had been sexually active.
Davidson, based in Cape Town, suspects that the hurdle to overcome may be in our distressed friend’s head as our mental well-being plays a major role in sexual experiences.
“Your mental health status is extremely important. A lot of [the time] the reason why women cannot climax is because of mental health status and where their head is.
“Also, women are intentionally having intercourse that they are not satisfied with, in the sense that it is not about their pleasure.
“Ask yourself where are you? What is happening in your mind? You cannot reach orgasm if you are running through your mental checklists and thinking, ‘Sh*t, I didn’t hang the laundry; I didn’t do the groceries; must get the kids fed…”
It is also a good idea to visit your gynae, should you believe that the problem is physiological, Davidson suggests.
It is a journey, babes
Orgasms are like hens’ teeth and sex is a journey, Davidson says.
“Know you are not broken if you cannot orgasm. Stop focusing on the orgasm…putting it on a pedestal and making it the finish line. Intimacy is not only about the orgasm. Rather focus on the journey. The destination will come.
“It is about taking ownership of your pleasure and guiding your partner along your journey with you. No one is giving anyone an orgasm; we are merely facilitating each other’s orgasms.”
“We fixate so much energy on orgasms and completion that it becomes pressure.”
Davidson’s message is that you are the captain of your ship, so take responsibility for your own pleasure.
“Find what intimacy looks like to you. We are all unique individuals. We cannot compare, we cannot take blueprints and checklists and apply them to ourselves. Sure, there are tools out there that help and do give us guidance, but ultimately you must take responsibility for seeking your own pleasure and seeking what intimacy and pleasure looks like you to you.”
Your pleasure is your right
Asked if sexual pleasure could be considered a human right, Davidson quickly says, “It actually is.”
For women and girls, the right to control their own bodies and their sexuality without any form of discrimination, coercion or violence is critical to their empowerment.
And in 2019, participants of the 24th World Congress of the World Association for Sexual Health recognised that “sexual pleasure is the physical and/or psychological satisfaction and enjoyment derived from shared or solitary erotic experiences, including thoughts, fantasies, dreams, emotions and feelings”.
This is an important and delayed conversation.
“You want to enjoy that interaction, otherwise what is the point of doing it?”
Sexual consent is also no longer a “blurred line”. It is a definitive yes and you have a right to say no whenever you want to.
“It [consent] is about knowing what is comfortable for yourself and being able to vocalise that. Anyone has the right to say no. Consent is absolutely key and you are allowed to change your mind halfway through. You are allowed to change your mind at any point in the interaction.”
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