For some, divorce is the worst possible outcome; for others, it’s a way out of a marriage that has been terribly destructive. You can find it harder to complete routine tasks, and you might find it harder to concentrate on activities that usually interest you or keep your attention at work or school.
Anxiety and depression are common outcomes of divorce and separation, says UKZN student counsellor Sandile Radebe.
‘Physical and mental abuse at the hands of a pastor’
An anonymous divorcee from Khayelitsha says her marriage was hell. She and her husband met at a church. The honeymoon period didn’t last long as things quickly turned from rosy to murky.
Those words, ‘you’re not good enough, and no one will ever want you,’ were said to her often.
Her deepest suffering came from her husband’s insistence that everyone saw how happy she was with him, even though he would often beat her behind closed doors.
“He was a habitual cheater. He would have extramarital affairs with other women in the church and then blame me for his cheating attitudes. Just for confronting him, I was once beaten in the face with shoes.”
Annonymous reader
She says that she would be forced to apply makeup to cover bruises daily. To top it all off, she was always urged to put on a happy face whenever they went to church so that everyone would think their union was picture-perfect.
She finally had enough in 2011.
“I was able to get away by returning to school. A few months later, I found out that he was cohabiting with someone else; although the news did not hurt me, I was eager for him to file for divorce.”
The separation didn’t stop there and once the divorce papers finally arrived, the stress of co-parenting immediately kicked in.
“My kid, who was only two at the time of divorce, went to visit at the age of 8, and he returned traumatised. I have no idea what happened there. He couldn’t explain it, so that’s all he said, ‘I’ll never go back there again’.”
He does not pay maintenance and does not call to check on his son, and that is good, according to anonymous, as that means less drama and less stress.
Anonymous cites that the divorce has affected her mental health and ability to trust. She has lost faith in church people and is battling poor self-esteem, but with therapy’s aid, she is making progress. She also says that she is glad that the child isn’t brought into that abusive family setting.
‘I became a violent person after getting married’
Bonginkosi Koli of Grahamstown, Eastern Cape, stresses the importance of being open about emotions before marriage. This might prevent you from becoming someone you were never intended to be. Men don’t cry, he was told, so he pretended to be tough even though he had no idea it would turn him into a monster.
“There was absolutely no honeymoon period. The circumstances compelled me to seek employment as quickly as possible. That, however, was not successful. As a result, I started acting aggressively.”
Koli says that he married in accordance with church family norms and regulations and that his family had a good connection with one of the women he married.
They had been married for two years at that point. After two years, of mutual deception, manipulation, anger, and violence, the relationship had finally reached a breaking point.
A child he’ll never know
“The divorce papers were filed in 2016. Even though we are parents, I have never met our child. I respect her decisions, which lead her to keep me away from the child. therefore, it’s difficult to convince her since I’m avoiding any potential conflict with her.”
Koli feels that marriage has made him a more combative and irritable man. It would be preferable if he already had some familiarity with his ex-wife. Marriage is the only way he’s gotten to know her well.
“As a result, I was now spending every waking moment in her company. It dawned on me that there were things I had never considered. Having been taken advantage of and bullied, I felt robbed and abused.”
He suggests that everyone, regardless of their gender, should take their time getting to know one other before committing to marriage. Invest in one another and take the time to talk about your personal experiences and future plans for the two of you, he advises.
He insists that, at heart, he is not an aggressive person; rather, the circumstances of his life have rendered him that. He has begun the process of detoxifying the anguish and is on the path to recovery; he can only hope that his ex-wife is doing the same.
For emotional support, seek counselling
Umshado [marriage] is a major life event. According to Radebe, the very fact that two families would meet and get to know each other indicates that this is not a child’s game.
Radebe says that he has seen that most persons who suffer problems and difficulties following separation or divorce, are those who are psychologically categorised as having abandonment issues.
“Those people would often say, ndingayini ngaphandle kuba siban-ban (who would I be without him/her).”
He argues that these people are characterised by their propensity to say things such as, ‘I don’t want you to go, you are my everything.’
Radebe equates such people with those who remain in unhappy relationships over extended periods of time.
In Radebe’s opinion, it’s important to pay close attention to those who declare their affection for you. While warning signs may always be there, some people choose to disregard them. Going to therapy after an experience like this is advised in order to regain a sense of mental and emotional peace.
ALSO READ: Finding a happy medium: Divorce vs co-parenting
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