When the foundation of family shatters, so too does the reflection of oneself. Estrangement is a trauma that reflects a fractured sense of identity, distorted by the rejection of those we once called kin. This can lead to mental challenges and low self-esteem.
Caught in a storm of self-doubt, the estrangement survivor must bravely navigate their way through the turbulent waves of loneliness and grief, striving to piece together a mosaic of self-worth from the broken shards of their familial ties.
Toxic relationships
Being called names like “the spoiled brat” is something Phumla Sandile from Nyanga, Cape Town, has known since a young age. She describes her relationship with her siblings as toxic, with the family bond having been severed many years ago.
“There is a lot of competition, resentment, and jealousy, and I am seen as the golden child of the family.”
Phumla Sandile
This dynamic has led to deep resentment from her siblings and contributed to trust and isolation issues, says Sandile.
She notes that her fear of rejection has created a complex layer of her personality. Despite her efforts to mend relationships, she has never felt fully accepted.
Currently attending counselling therapy, Sandile hopes things will get better one day.
Strengthening family ties
Ayanda Fakude from KwesakaMthethwa in Empangeni, KwaZulu-Natal, shares that when her family started their business, Mtolo Farming, it brought them even closer together than before. Although being raised in a tightly-knit family with strong unity, the business strengthened their bond.
“Even on days when we don’t feel like reaching out, we have a commitment to share everything with our family, as my brother and I are leading Mtolo Farming.”
Ayanda Fakude
This shared responsibility has deepened their connection and understanding of one another.
“We make it a point to have open conversations, address our mistakes, apologise, and move forward,” she adds.
Even during the holidays, they gather at their home in Empangeni, a tradition that builds trust despite growing up in Esikhawini.
“This is the kind of relationship our parents taught us to value. We lean on each other when life gets tough, and having a strong support system as a family is invaluable.”
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Finding peace in silence
Unfortunately, not everyone experiences that kind of family closeness.
“I remember being chased away from home for speaking out against the mistreatment I was facing,” says an anonymous reader from the Eastern Cape.
After her mother passed away, she lived with her aunt, but the situation was far from ideal. She says that even with the challenges, these experiences ignited a fierce drive in her to forge her own path to success.
“I worked tirelessly for myself, pushing through every obstacle, and I am where I am today because of my own efforts. I no longer believe in family in the traditional sense; the only family I truly have now is my children.”
“I’ve never dealt with them because I believe that not expressing my feelings and keeping a distance brings me peace.”
She reflects on her experiences of rejection and feeling unloved, questioning whether her approach to handling life’s difficulties is the right one or if her emotions have taken over.
Breaking the cycle
According to Sandile Radebe, a lecturer in educational psychology at the University of KwaZulu-Natal, people raised in environments dominated by destructive criticism often adopt those patterns themselves.
“The saying ‘charity begins at home’ is true,” Radebe explains, noting that a person’s character is often shaped by their environment. Both negative and positive experiences impact personal development as they grow up.
“If you are exposed to repeated trauma, conflict, and toxicity, those experiences become ingrained in you.
“In my community, there is a belief that a child’s behaviour reflects their home environment. This serves as a representation of where the child comes from,” he says.
Radebe points out that if negative factors are not addressed early in life, they can become ingrained in a child’s personality.
“Some people may end up violent, numb, or heartless because they associate violence and conflict with care rather than love.”
Sandile Radebe
Family therapy can be effective in helping families address the root causes of their conflicts and find solutions, advises Radebe.
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