Women: How to pop the sexual 'shame bubble'

When it comes to our sexual needs and desires, the playing fields should be levelled, says sex-positivity advocate Chérie Adendorff. The days of women not feeling comfortable talking about what they want in bed are over

Talking about your sexual needs can help bring you and your partner closer together and promote sexual fulfilment, says sex-positivity advocate Chérie Adendorff. She joins this episode of the Health For Mzansi podcast to help women understand their desires, and why effective communication is best in bed.

The birds and the bees get it on, and men do it at any time. But for women to have sex, there need to be scented candles and, of course, your lover needs to do the dishes first, right?

Wrong, says Adendorff. A woman’s sex drive and desire are just as normal as that of a man. No matter how “shameful” in some people’s eyes, a woman is allowed to explore her sexual desire without the judgement

Cape Town sex-positivity advocate Chérie Adendorff. Photo: Supplied/Health For Mzansi

Get out of the ‘shame bubble’

In a country like ours, women are unfortunately considered to be the repressed gender by some. Not only in terms of office and home but also when it comes to sex. Women even today shy over the word “sex: and are often touted as “bad” if they do openly talk about their sexual desires. This attitude has built what Adendorff describes as a “shame bubble” around the understanding of female anatomy.

“There is this belief that women are not entitled to pleasure and are the route to procreation. A woman is allowed to be desired, but she must be demure, and God forbid she explores her desires.”

Have more sex talks

Adendorff believes that women have been shamed into silence for expressing their desire. “Women have been objectified, fetishised for all the bits the world finds enticing but are continuously demonised when they do not fit the mould of the Mary Mother of Jesus figure.”

The right sex education can benefit the younger population to a great extent, says Adendorff. It can reduce the number of unintended pregnancies and sexually-transmitted diseases. Education can also help prevent sexual abuse and dating-related violence. It can even help teenagers and young adults develop healthy relationships.

“Gen Z is very focused on understanding their partners [for example], they are aware that women [and men] are deserving of pleasure.”