A present and loving father shapes more than just a childhood. He shapes a life. His care, words, and emotional presence plant seeds of self-worth and love that grow deep into adulthood.
However, the reality is not the same for everyone. Some are still silently aching for the love they never received from their fathers, love that could have taught them safety, trust, and how to show up in the world.
Health For Mzansi shares stories of hope and heartache of growing up with a present and absent father.
Lessons from a proud son
A father who shows up, loves openly, and stays consistent is what Mlise Maxongo from Worcester in the Western Cape says taught him his value.
He remembers watching his father cook for the family, not because his mother was unwell, but because his dad believed that care had no gender.
“It wasn’t just in movies where a man opens the car door for his wife. My father did that all the time, for our mother and even for us as his children.”
Mlise Maxongo
Mlise says this shaped his confidence and made it easier for him to love others because he grew up surrounded by love that didn’t have to be earned.
“Growing up with a father who showed love and respect every day made me appreciate women, not just my mother or sisters, but women in general,” he adds.
That kind of upbringing now helps him be a present and caring father to his own children, loving and supporting them equally.
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A father’s emotional absence
An absent father who is alive but not emotionally available is something well experienced by Lindokuhle Madotyeni from Strand, Cape Town.
She explains that a failed marriage between her parents due to domestic violence has created scars in both her and the person who was supposed to be her father.
“I’ve always wished to have a good and healthy relationship with him. But that has been a dream; a dream that never came true.”
Lindokuhle Madotyeni
She adds, “Growing up with an absent father has affected me in so many ways. It has left me with the feeling of wondering, ‘Am I good enough?’”
Madotyeni notes that as a child, you need unconditional love from both parents, not just one side. You need support, guidance, a sense of security, and protection, especially from your father.
“But unfortunately, on my side, my father has never provided any of those things. It has always been my mother.
“If my father had been there for me when I was growing up, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I would be somewhere in life, because I needed his love, support, and guidance.”
A father who listens and cares
Nobathembu Peter, an artist and disability advocate from Khayelitsha, Cape Town, says her father created a safe and trusting space between them.
She explains that he was even overprotective at times, and believes that if she hadn’t attended boarding school, her opportunities would have been limited.
“I relate deeply to my father through our shared love of books and reading. When I see him, I see myself. I still connect with him in so many ways.”
She adds that in many black communities, people set strict boundaries around sharing personal matters, but she never experienced that as long as respect was maintained.
“I have shared openly with my father, and even now, as an adult, I still ask him for guidance, especially about love and relationships.”
Nobathembu Peter
Impact of an absent father figure
There are a lot of social issues that are pertinent in the South African landscape due to the absence of fathers, issues that are often described as social ills, says Thabo van Wyk, a clinical psychologist with Tshwane District Health Services from Atteridgeville, Tshwane.
He explains that the absence and inconsistency of father figures, particularly in the lives of male children, contribute significantly to these issues.
Without proper guidance from father figures, Van Wyk says, male children often find themselves caught up in crime, substance use, and mental health struggles.
“Male children often look up to other males within the community. Looking for guidance and inspiration.”
Thabo van Wyk
Van Wyk adds, “Without the proper guidance of a positive male figure, children may often look up to other male figures who lead a criminal lifestyle. Issues such as identity development may arise.”
He notes that emotionally, these male children may feel rejected or abandoned and often present with low self-esteem and other mental health concerns. Many try to cope by suppressing their emotions, which may later cause struggles in forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
Help boys thrive with male mentors
Some factors can protect male children from the effects of absent fathers, explains Van Wyk. He says there should be encouragement of a strong maternal bond to facilitate a mother-and-child relationship.
“In addition to this, the caregivers of male children should also encourage positive male mentors such as teachers, uncles or coaches.”
He notes that another protective factor is counselling and therapy, which may set a foundation and encouragement for the male child to participate in structured activities such as sports, join faith groups, or participate in community service.
“Therapy also sets the ground for open communication or conversations about the absence of a father figure and addresses issues such as self-blame, self-esteem, and other issues about their mental health.”
He further notes that it is important to highlight that boys without father figures are not disposed of by the community. With enough guidance and nurturing, male children can grow up to be healthy and stable men.
Absent fathers in a girl child’s life
The absence of a father figure in a girl’s life can influence her emotional development, self-worth, and how she perceives male relationships, explains Van Wyk.
“Girls often rely on their fathers for validation, protection, and emotional support. When this relationship is disrupted or absent, they may struggle with issues of self-esteem, trust, and identity.”
Van Wyk notes that from a psychological standpoint, the father-daughter relationship plays a critical role in how girls navigate adolescence and form romantic relationships later in life.
“Without a present and supportive father figure, some girls may seek validation from external sources or enter relationships prematurely or insecurely, potentially increasing the risk of emotional dependency or vulnerability to exploitation.”
Protective factors for girl children include fostering strong bonds with maternal caregivers, female role models, and positive male mentors such as teachers or community leaders, he advises.
Furthermore, he explains that counselling can also play a key role in helping girls process their emotions, build self-worth, and develop healthy relationship patterns. Children can thrive in nurturing environments with appropriate guidance, love, and support.
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