Honest Joe from Johannesburg writes…
Liewe Lulu…
I am not ready to be a parent and my BM [baby mama] won’t let me leave her. I am 23 and she is 22. Our daughter is six months old. My on again/off again girlfriend and I have been having a lot of issues lately. We have been together for three years and have had many breaks in between.
Every few months we will have a fight and end up broken up for a week. I do love her but it gets hard for me. I don’t feel like I am mature enough at this point to be a parent or a serious partner to her. I have tried to break it off many times but she makes me feel guilty or concerned and we end up getting back together. The problems in our relationship are affecting me mentally.
I try to be an involved dad and do my fair share but she is more involved as the mother. I am a student and studying away from home. I only see my conservative family for a month every year. I work part time and give half of what I make to my girlfriend and daughter. My family don’t know about my situation.
I guess there are some positives in our relationship. I think we understand each other and she is really my best friend. I know I can count on her to be there for me and she has put up with so much of my sh*t. We have a healthy sex life and we like the same stuff. But we don’t see eye to eye on our future. I think I want to live a little and she wants to settle down, I don’t know where to go or what to do with us. Please help?
My dearest Honest
First things first, you need to understand that your fears are valid. Change can be stressful. And having a baby is one of the biggest life changes any person can go through.
It’s been six months. When will you be ready? Parenthood is the real deal. It’s not all about you and your needs anymore. I suggest you get a grip and get some help. You need to have a different outlook on how you take care of yourself now. For your sake and for your child’s sake. They are counting on you.
Now onto your baby mama. While you evidently love each other, this instability in your relationship is not fair to either of you. I have four suggestions for you.
Firstly, if you make the decision to break up, don’t give into fear or pressure. If you want to stay with her it shouldn’t be because you are scared of the alternative. Be alone because it is healthier and believe you are doing what is best for your child.
Second, have a conversation with her and put all of your cards on that table. Communication is key in figuring out if the relationship is a good match or not. Break up with this idea of being an “on-again-off-again couple.” It’s either you are staying or you say goodbye for good.
Third, listen to your gut. I know investing in yourself sounds cliché but you are now a motswadi you and your baby take priority.
Fourth, stand up for yourself. My dude you need to tell your parents. I think a baby is too big a secret to keep to yourself. You deserve better, and your child deserves better. Do the right thing and stand firm.
ALSO LISTEN: It’s okay to not be okay
Write to Liewe Lulu
Liewe Lulu has moved from Food For Mzansi, where she used to help readers in agriculture with their love life. Now, you can follow her here on Health For Mzansi. The content in this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical and/or psychological advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition.
