Getting married might be a beautiful ceremony lasting just one day, but what follows is a lifetime of intertwined lives. In many African cultures, marriage is more than a vow; it’s a journey that includes your partner’s family, friends, and community. And it could come with a lot of anxiety.
Marriage is not just about wearing a ring; it involves personal growth, understanding sexual preferences, and embracing financial transparency. It’s a deep, emotional commitment requiring more than love; it’s about weaving your lives together in shared dreams and challenges.
This is why premarital counselling is crucial – it helps ensure you’re heading in the same direction and working towards common goals.
Escaping the shame
For Phiwokazi Bam from Theunissen, Free State, getting married young seemed like a good idea at the time, but it felt rushed.
“I got married to escape the shame of having a second child while unmarried and living in my family’s home,” she admits.
Once married, she realised that marriage is more than just having a boyfriend. “There is personal growth involved, and I feel like I closed that door for myself too quickly,” she reflects.
Bam says if she knew then what she knows now, she would have considered the life she wanted for herself versus what her ex-husband envisioned.
Premarital counselling might have helped her question a lot of things, however, the couple did not go through it.
“I felt like a stranger in my own decision. If only I had known earlier, I would have seen that we weren’t heading in the same direction.”
Phiwokazi Bam
What could have been prevented
A woman from King William’s Town in the Eastern Cape, who wants to remain anonymous to protect her ex-husband’s privacy as he is bisexual and to avoid any potential backlash or stigma, says she did not know about his sexual preferences.
She reveals that, upon marrying, she had only known her ex-husband for a short time. Everything seemed fine until she discovered his bisexuality.
“I don’t have anything against bisexual people but if I had known what I was getting into, my decision would have been different.”
Her marriage lasted only three months.
“He lied about who he is. In this case, I feel that anyone who wants to get married should go through premarital counselling to avoid situations like this.”
Building strong marriages
Marriage is not just an arrangement but a partnership between adults willing to grow together, according to Linda Mntungwa, a marriage counsellor based in Johannesburg, Gauteng.
He explains that it is pivotal to discuss family backgrounds before committing to a family. Therefore, couples need to research the family, including its size, the background of the partner, and the relationships between in-laws, such as those between in-laws and sons/daughters and between in-laws and daughters-in-law.
Mntungwa notes that some couples are afraid of engaging in discussions about sexual issues. “Sex is one of the root causes of spouses entering into bisexual or extramarital affairs.”
He further notes that marriage is about unity, not individuality.
“Marriage does not need a selfish person. In marriage to work, you need both of your efforts; you complement one another for the enhancement of the family,” Mntungwa says.
“Once you are married, the vocabulary must change from ‘I’ to ‘we’ or ‘us’. The couple that uses ‘I’ or ‘me’ the most is silencing the other partner.”
Linda Mntungwa
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Mntungwa advises on five key areas that should be considered before committing to a relationship:
- Family background
- Religion
- Interests
- Short-term and long-term goals
- Plans for having children
Addressing these aspects is seen as crucial in preventing potential marriage breakups or divorce.
Navigating emotions
According to holistic counsellor Tebogo Makgoane from Brits in Northwest, couples should first attend premarital classes or courses to help them navigate these issues before getting married.
She says, “It will help them establish the intention and purpose of marriage. Premarital counselling also has an element of counselling in it which will help the couples navigate their emotions and feelings and learn how to handle them.”
Makgoane mentions that couples need to remind each other of their “why” or “purpose” for getting married.
“A feeling of knowing that your partner has your back is what will help ease the pressure.”
She further notes that in a marriage, each person brings their own life experience and perspective into the relationship. However, sharing what’s important to you allows for decisions to be more aligned in the long run.
“Couples, who take time to attend counselling sessions, and educate each other about each other’s cultures and customs are able to thrive and maintain good boundaries.”
Tebogo Makgoane
Makgoane explains that although premarital counselling may be beneficial, it is important to note that some couples may be anxious about counsellors and reluctant to seek help.
While there is no scientific proof that couples who have undergone premarital counselling do not divorce, it has been found that most couples with successful marriages did go through the process.
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