Love is built on the little things – the moments when someone truly listens and makes you feel seen. That warm, electric feeling of knowing someone out there is waiting for you. It’s the kind of connection we all dream of. Until it goes wrong.
It cuts deeper when the person you love begins to take control, making every moment about them, while you start to fade into the background, unseen and unheard. And when you find yourself with someone whose behaviour is erratic and hurtful, it’s a heartbreak you never saw coming.
Having to report her whereabouts, explain who she hung out with, and deal with paranoia are all experiences Zusiphe Saphepha from Tshwane, Gauteng, knows all too well. She explains that her ex-partner was extremely jealous and would even eavesdrop on her calls.
“He would claim he heard someone calling me ‘babe’. He would constantly want me to send him my location and sometimes follow me. He wanted to know everything I did and the people I hung out with.”
Zusiphe Saphepha
She realised that the day she found out he had childhood trauma, change would be tough.
Saphepha says, “I knew there was nothing I could do to fix how he felt about women, so we ended the relationship.”
When love turns psychotic
Babalwa Ngubo from Dundee, KwaZulu-Natal, remembers a time when she fell asleep while chatting with her bae.
“The day after, I noticed a white Polo following me home. I didn’t think much of it at the time; I assumed it was just someone taking the same route,” she explains.
However, this pattern continued for the next few days.
“He confronted me, saying, ‘Who are you talking to if you’re online but not speaking to me?’”
Ngubo notes that this experience changed how she viewed herself, making her hesitant to ask for clarity to avoid conflicts.
“When I visited his place for the weekend, he questioned me, saying, ‘Why are you buying that type of underwear? Are you seeing someone else? Who are you dressing up for when I’m not around?”
Babalwa Ngubo
She adds, “I started to lose my self-esteem and eventually ended up in a psychiatric ward for 21 days. I began to do things his way to avoid conflict.”
Ngubo notes that red flags are always there, but many ignore them, hoping their partners will change.
“Please don’t wait to learn the hard way. Some of us are on depression treatment because we ignored the signs.”
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Red flags to watch for
Identifying a psychotic partner can be challenging, as the signs are often subtle and may evolve over time, says relationship coach Tsholofelo Mngxali, based in Johannesburg, Gauteng.
She explains that a psychotic partner might display symptoms such as delusions, hallucinations, or severe mood swings that interfere with daily functioning and interpersonal relationships.
“They may exhibit intense paranoia, erratic behaviour, or an inability to distinguish reality from fantasy.”
Tsholofelo Mngxali
Mngxali notes that there are subtle red flags that seem normal at the time, and often they are identified when it’s too late.
For instance, a partner who will “love bomb” you may seem cute at first; however, these behaviours indicate a lack of boundaries and self-esteem, which can lead to erratic behaviour.
“Some examples are someone who will constantly send you messages or call you several times during the day, leaving little to no room to even miss them or try to get on with what one has to do during the day.”
Establishing healthy boundaries
She adds, “They insist you give them every single detail of what you are up to, where you are, and how you are feeling.”
Mngxali explains that should you not respond according to their time limit or with the level of detail they feel they need, they immediately spin reverse psychology on you and make you feel guilty for neglecting them after they “have made consistent efforts to keep you engaged”.
She advises you to stand firm by your boundaries and avoid what makes you feel uncomfortable. She explains that you should communicate this to your partner, then block, delete, and move on because narcissists will never change.
“Narcissists do not see how their behaviour is abnormal and is not what a loving and supportive relationship should be.”
She adds, “Narcissists will pretend to understand, and they will play the long game and continue to trick the next person. One simply needs to state their case and feelings and move on.”
Impact of childhood trauma
Meanwhile, educational psychologist in private practice Sandile Radebe from KwaZulu-Natal says trust issues and childhood traumas contribute to these mental challenges.
He says, “If you have the capacity to help, you may, but such challenges need therapy to start by realising they have problems.”
In most cases, he adds, a person’s upbringing says a lot about them. “It doesn’t change overnight; therapy helps.”
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