Depressed and hopeless from Paarl, Western Cape
My boyfriend of nine years has been having an affair with a younger woman for a couple of months. I did not suspect a thing. Our relationship is on the rocks because he was caught red-handed. When I think back now, he always seemed uninterested in sex. It was quick. He had a rough time performing and I was shocked.
We went for relationship counselling which did not help. I stayed with him but I am miserable, I cannot get over the fact that he has cheated and I bring it up at every opportunity I get. I don’t trust him anymore, and I hate myself for staying. I love him and hate him all at the same time. I am caught between what my mind is telling me to do and what my head isn’t.
I feel like I have failed. I am a nurse, I am almost 40, in good shape and financially stable and loving. I cannot help but feel like he is hiding something. My boyfriend tells me that he has never cheated and that this is the first and the last time. I just wish I could leave him. I feel defeated.
My dearest Defeated
Babes, you are not the failure here. Your boyfriend is. Please don’t tear yourself down and exhaust yourself trying to figure out “what went wrong?”
I do think that this one is worth letting go, Bathong! And I am fighting to the urge to say wish his ass a happy life for the sake of your own peace and happiness let him go on his merry way. But there is no one-size fits all approach when it comes to healing.
Defeated there are many ways to cope after being cheated on. Some people try to change themselves by working on their physical appearance by hitting the gym and eating healthy or shifting their way of thinking and tolerating bad behaviour.
Might I suggest we begin rebuilding that self-esteem with a licensed counsellor, or medically trained psychologist? The reason why you feel stuck could be sparked by self-conscious feelings about your age, or I guess being alone for the rest of your days. But life begins at 40 babes! You never know who you might meet in this journey called life. Grow with the pain and confusion, feel it all!
Feeling better will not come easy. But if you give it a try it can happen. Remember that you’re the same amazing person now that you were before the discovery of the affair. And, with extra self-care, you’ll be back in good shape again.
ALSO READ: Liewe Lulu: ‘My hubby is friends with his exes’
Get the Health For Mzansi newsletter: Your bi-weekly dose of Kasi health, wellness and self-care inspiration.
Write to Liewe Lulu
Liewe Lulu is Health For Mzansi’s agony aunty. The content in this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical and/or psychological advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition.
