Adoption is a journey that brings joy and new beginnings to families, however, sometimes, behind the smiling faces and happy endings, lie depths of grief, loss, and an identity crisis. Health For Mzansi delves into the emotional turmoil of adopted children and parents, and a psychologist shares her insights.
‘I felt hurt and abandoned’
“When my biological mother abandoned me, I felt a deep sense of confusion and hurt. Of course, I realised all this as I got older,” reflects Natasha Zantsi from the Eastern Cape.
“The casual way in which I was handed over to my adoptive parents made me feel insignificant and unwanted. It was painful to realise that my biological mother could move on with her life and raise her other children while showing no interest in me.”
Zantsi shares that the abandonment has left a lasting impact on her, highlighting how it created a void in her sense of identity and belonging.
“Growing up knowing that my biological mother chose to leave me while raising her other children has been difficult to come to terms with. It affected my self-esteem and made me question my worth.
“I have coped with the abandonment through the love and support of my adoptive parents, who have always treated me as their own. They provided stability and care, which helped mitigate some of the emotional pain. Over time, I have also sought to understand my biological mother’s circumstances, which has helped me find some level of empathy and acceptance,” she says.
Emotional journey of adopting a child
Rixongile Mabasa from Pretoria always knew adoption would be part of her journey to start her own family. When she was ready to adopt, she started researching to start the process with some knowledge.
“Even if I were to have biological kids, I always knew I would at least have one or two adoption kids in the mix. Adoption is something I actively started planning for around my late 20s, and I started the process in 2022. I was matched with a nine-month-old girl in 2022 and brought her home,” says Mabasa.
“Emotionally, it’s a lot. Having to raise the child without a father, I did feel she may miss out on the opportunities of being raised by a father. Also, when explaining my decision to my family and friends, I was always asked why I was doing it and not understood.”
Mabasa admits it comes with a lot of challenges, as you need to unlearn a lot of things about adoption because you don’t just live happily ever after; there is a lot of trauma involved.
“It’s hard knowing that I need to explain this to my daughter when she grows up. Even when you parent them, you have to parent them with a trauma-informed mind.
“However, the reward is seeing this little baby, who was unsure and scared, start to laugh, attach to you, and trust you, and seeing them grow into who God purposed them to be. Sometimes you forget you adopted because of the bond,” Mabasa says.
Struggling with identity
As a psychologist who has worked in various therapeutic settings, Sherlinka Naidoo from Gauteng explains how she has observed that adoptees often grapple with profound questions of identity and belonging.
She says feelings of being different from peers and sometimes from adoptive families can vary in intensity depending on their developmental stage and background.
“Adoptees may frequently experience a deep sense of loss related to their birth family, cultural heritage, or genetic background.”
Psychologist Sherlinka Naidoo
“This grief can be multifaceted, encompassing feelings of abandonment, missing out on a biological connection, and longing for a culture they might not have experienced firsthand. Psychological support can be crucial in helping adoptees and their adoptive families process these complex emotions.”
Another significant challenge for adoptees, she adds, is the impact of perceived rejection or abandonment by their birth parents, which can deeply affect their self-esteem and self-worth.
Making it easier for your adoptive child
Naidoo emphasises that each journey is distinct and may require diverse methods and strategies. She outlines beneficial considerations for adoptive parents to make the journey better for their adopted child, such as:
- Maintaining open communication about adoption from an early age and encouraging questions can significantly help adoptees feel more secure and understood. Adoptive parents need to create an environment where discussions about adoption are normalised and welcomed.
- Sharing age-appropriate information about the adoptee’s background and the reason for their adoption builds trust and ensures that the child feels included and valued.
- Ensuring that the child remains connected to their cultural heritage is particularly important in transracial adoptions.
- Being attuned to the child’s emotional needs and seeking professional help when necessary is crucial for their emotional well-being. Adoptive parents should be proactive in recognising signs of distress or emotional struggles.
- Regularly checking in with the child about their feelings and experiences, providing reassurance and support, is essential.
“The emotional journey can be a long and tedious road and intentional efforts to seek assistance as well as practice patience are pivotal to navigating the unique landscape of adoption. Overall, it is important to address any emotional challenges with trusted and professional help.”
She adds that psychologists can guide parents on how to effectively discuss these topics, helping them navigate complex emotions and questions.
According to Naidoo, education and training can be an essential tool for prospective adoptive parents to navigate the emotional complexities of adoption effectively.
By attending workshops, reading books, and connecting with adoption professionals, she notes that individuals can gain valuable insights into the adoption process and potential challenges that may arise.
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The role of counselling
“Psychologists play a crucial role in this preparation phase by offering pre-adoption counselling. Self-reflection is another critical aspect of preparing for adoption.
“Prospective parents should reflect on their motivations for adopting and ensure they are emotionally ready for the responsibilities and challenges that come with adoption.”
Additionally, she says building resilience is essential for both adoptive parents and children to navigate the emotional ups and downs that adoption may bring.
“Adoptive parents can acquire coping strategies and resilience by practicing stress-reducing techniques such as mindfulness, meditation, or regular exercise.”
Moreover, Naidoo adds that adoption can have profound effects on the extended families of adopting parents, encompassing emotional, social, and psychological dimensions.
She says extended family members might experience a range of emotions, from joy and excitement to anxiety and uncertainty, as they adapt to the new family dynamic.
“It’s common for relatives to have concerns about attachment, bonding, and the child’s adjustment, especially if the adoption involves cross-cultural or interracial factors. Psychological support and open communication are essential in addressing these concerns, fostering understanding, and promoting acceptance.”
“Educating extended family members about adoption-related issues can facilitate a smoother transition, helping them to build healthy relationships with the adopted child and support the adoptive parents effectively.”
Naidoo outlines preparation as key for families to successfully integrate an adopted child and ensure a smooth transition. This involves not only the adoptive parents but also the extended family members.
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